30 Shades of Venugopal Roy Moodley

His name… Venugopal Roy Moodley. His age… 30. His occupation… billionaire playboy. His life… legendary (this bra did it all, one two things my ma would klap me upside the head if I ever tried it). His death… ey! I can’t even say… shy shy came way!

Venugopal lived in Ottawa and whenever anyone searched for him he would always be sitting under the trees. He was famous with all the men in the area as he was the only one that had the first ever edition of Playboy. Everyone knew that Venu was married but no one ever saw his wife. Everyone in the area thought she ran away but then one day in the backyard a neighbour who was cutting mangoes from the tree in Venu’s yard made a startling discovery.

One of the branches was growing a ‘thinger’ (one thumb and one finger).  Green House Boya got so scared, he ran way by his ma and told her about the ‘thinger’. His ma, first got the wrong idea – because, you know ‘thinger’ sounds funny – but when Boya finish explain, she understood perfectly and … tan tan taaaaaa… called CSI Chatsworth Kinky unit.

As the CSI Kinky Unit drove into the yard, a rather confused Venu jumped up from under the tree and ran to get his playboy magazine. Kala, the first to get out the vehicle, is who Venu approached first, showing his prized possession. Kala started blushing non-stop and was even trying to do the poses the girls were doing. It had to take Leela to smack her upside the head and remind her about the task at hand. They moved towards the tree and there from the branch protruded the ‘thinger’.

Chief Norrisamy explained the situation to Venu while Daya Ghoon (forensics expert) climbed the mango tree to get a better look. The protrusion was indeed human and when Daya pulled it off the tree, the tree started to bleed. Below, Venu started to change colour, he was getting shades and shades paler and started singing… ‘The base in the tweeters make the speakers go to war, how the mighty trumpet brings the freaks out to the floor… Tell me, tell me where the freaks at.’ With his arms spread wide he fell to the floor. Out of nowhere, Leela went bezerk. She screamed… ‘Tell me, tell me where the freaks at.’ She lunged at Venu’s unconscious body  and shook him, ‘FINISH THE DAMN SONG, YOU NAANKATAI. FINISH THE SONG!’

Venu regained consciousness and ran straight to Kala. He pleaded with her that he needed help. Meanwhile, as the police cut the tree they found body parts falling from the tree. It seemed clear to the team that Venu had murdered someone, his wife maybe, and needed to be taken into custody. Venu moved at lightening speed and fetched a knife from the house. He came outside and held the knife to Kala’s neck. The CSI unit backed up and allowed Venu to take Kala into the house.They suddenly heard a door bang and they all ran inside. It emerged he had a red room of pain which was filled with masala and chilli powder…Kala could be heard screaming and shouting out random descriptions to the team outside thereby giving them an accurate description of what was inside. Venu seemed besotted with Kala and her screams were getting more heartbreaking by the second.Venu tied Kala up with the reed from the bamboo(Ottawa got span) and he was about to spank her with a bunch full of curry leaves, he said, ‘count with me,’ and you could hear Kala starting to sing, ‘ek, doh, theen, char, paach che saat aat nou dus…’

Leela, filled with concern for her friend starts singing to try and sooth her friend, as the rest of the team try frantically to open the red room door. But the only blerry tune that popped into her head was… ‘The base in the tweeters make the speakers go to war, how the mighty trumpet brings the freaks out to the floor… Tell me, tell me where the freaks at.’ And Kala screams… ‘I found the freaking choothia!’ The team was not having any luck with the door and were at wits end. Then, through the door they heard a ‘crash, boom, bang’ and the key in the door turned. There stood Kala, slightly dishevelled but with a triumphant look in her eyes… ‘There’s your freak Leela.’ With a flick of her hair Kala walked out the house, quietly saying, ‘Aiyo ma I need some air.’ The team was aghast to see Venu’s collection of gourmet masala’s, the shrubs of curry leaf, bay leaf and many other spices, but what shocked them the most was seeing their suspect hogtied to the bedpost with two bunches of dhuniya sticking out his mouth and only god knows what that was sticking out the back of his pants!

The chief arrested Venu and as he was being taken to the car, he looked at Kala and said, ‘you are the love of my life.I want to spank you every day with the curry leaf.’ The chief then shoved Venu into the car and he was taken to the station. In the meantime, as Leela and the rest of the team swept the house, Kala went back into the red room and started spanking herself with the curry leaf, she just couldn’t get over the feeling of being taken advantage off with curry leaves. Leela had to take her outside without the chief suspecting a thing and hosed her down with cold water and tried to get some sense back into her. Leela made her friend dry off in the sun while the rest of the team finished and found 12 more bodies in a secret room! It was clear Venu would use these women, fall in love with them and when he got tired of one he would murder them and then move on. His wife was merely a front for people to think he was a good guy. But all he was, was a hot pot!

Venugopal Roy Moodley, 30 year old billionaire playboy, was found guilty of 13 counts of murder (blerry naankatai was a serial killer). Kala testified against him in court. She watched as the bailiff walked him out of court. As Venu reached the door, he stopped, turned and said one word… Kala. Kala in turn returned one word… Naankatai. And the door closed.

A month later, the news was ablaze with stories of Venu’s death, but no ma, I can’t say how he died… shy shy came way!

Sibling Rivalry

1952, Maritzburg, Natal, South Africa – Blue Boy and Lightening Singh were just lighties when they watched their ma and bali being shot by one robber. Being orphans now Blue Boy made a promise to his lightie bru that he would make sure they never grew hungry and that they will do just what the robber did and take what they wanted and needed, when they wanted and needed it. That, many people say, was the true birth of the fearsome Curry Mafia!

When Blue Boy and Lightening Singh would walk down the street people used to crash their cars from shivering when they saw them. Every Friday they would always be seen eating curry by the Umgeni River, it was their way of always remembering their parents, as their ashes were scattered over the river. One fateful Friday as Blue Boy and Lightening Singh tucked into a chicken curry, gunshots rang out creating shock and panic.

For all the years the brothers carried out this tradition, it seemed to have made them an easy target. Their schedule was known and the banks of the Umgeni River provided an open range for any would be assassinator. Lightening looked at his bhaijee and watched helplessly as the rosebud of blood bloomed on Blue Boy’s chest. Lightening pulled his brother into his arms as the tears slid down his face. ‘Don’t cry Lightening. I’m vying way by ma and daddy. Just do me one thing?’ gasped Blue Boy. ‘Anything bhaijee!’ cried Lightening. ‘Just tell Big Umma, I love her soooooo much. She m-m-m-m-ussen miss me. And if she get married again, I’m going to come back as one b-b-b-b-booth and haunt her,’ with that Blue Boy let out his last breath and vyed way for always.

Lightening with a heavy heart closed Blue Boy’s eyes and vowed revenge.

The CSI team reached the scene within minutes as they received an anonymous call. Lightening refused to answer questions and was ignoring the team. Having had enough, Kala threw him against the car and shook him down. Leela managed to grab his phone that rang incessantly and realised that Lightening had already mobilised his thugs. Weighing heavily on Lightening was how he was going to break the news to Blue Boy’s Big Umma.

By the time Blue Boy’s body was bagged and tagged by the CSI Kinky Unit (named so because, I dunno why), Lightening was back in Maritzburg by the posie. When Kala and Leela arrived in Maritzburg, Lightening was already telling Big Umma what had happened. She didn’t fall to her knees and scream, like he thought she would. She didn’t hit her head and cry. She nava even looked like one tear was gonna escape from her eyes. Simply, Big Umma asked the ladies what they would like to drink and disappeared into the kitchen. When she came back with their respective drinks, she sat down, poured the tea and looked at Kala and Leela. ‘You must find those nikka’s that killed my boo-boo,’ said Big Umma. ‘You find them quickly and make them pay. Otherwise Unna is coming for them. And when Unna finds them, he will hang them by their gudries and torture them. And until these murderers are found I will where my dot. I will wear it like my Nunu Bear liked it… the size of one 50c coin!’ With that Big Umma got up and left.

Lightening was busy making funeral arrangements and Kala and Leela could overhear him hiring a crane. Rather confused, Kala realised that Lightening was not going to hire a hearse but a crane to carry his brother’s body to the funeral. Kala and Leela found, after questioning many people, that Big Umma and Lightening would disappear together and return looking rather flushed. Immediately the teams mind started running wild.

Could it be Big Umma and Lightening were playing one Dholak?

Could it be that they were sharing the same gudri?

Could it be that Big Umma is the violin and Lightening is pulling the string?

The team hurried back to the office to understand what was going on in Lightening town.

At the office, Bala and Daya, were interviewing others in the Curry Mafia family. Chanda ‘The Shiner’ Moonsamy, Lightening’s best bra, was telling the CSI team, how when they were young boys, Lightening wanted to be a personal trainer. ‘If Lightening could spend his whole life in the gym, he would only pump iron and stay’, said Chanda. ‘when Big Umma found out that this was dream, she told him nava mind bacha, you can train me! And whenever, she can see Lightening getting mad, she take him away to train and he feels better.’ Leela and Kala looked at each other with disappointed expressions. Leela said ‘Damn there goes the juicy scandal!’ Kala rolled her eyes and said, ‘well there goes the first lead.’

With their faces buried in their hands the team began turning the whole of Maritzburg upside down to establish motive for the murder. Being notorious in the area the team knew that would be the best to start. On conducting house to house interviews Kala stumbled upon a home that looked rather strange. The interior decor of the home was something out of a movie and the walls were covered in scented paint. Kala was totally surprised. The one thing that perturbed her was that the only person who lived in the home was Thiramani Lottery Chidambaram, who was also wheelchair bound. When questioning her Kala established that Thiramani ‘s answers was riddled with discrepancies. Kala provided her feedback to the team and they went down to Thiramani ‘s house the next day. Leela knocked on the door, but there was no answer. Kala picked the lock and the team searched the house.

In the middle of the search Leela suddenly stopped and started sniffing the walls. Then she started humming. Then she turned to Bala. She grabbed him by the collar. And then she started grinning and twisting her head from side to side, up and down, round and round. Just as suddenly, she stopped and said, ‘The voices are telling me to keeeeeeel you.’ Then she pushed Bala to the floor and went back to the wall. This time, however, instead of sniffing the wall, she licked and said, ‘this is lukker lukker chicken curry ma, the bestest chicken curry you make ma.’ In all the commotion, the team did not realise that Thiramani had come back home. They only realised that she was there when Thiramani screamed, ‘LEELA ROOKJA!’ and then she banged two brass pots together. Leela stopped what she was doing and collapsed to the floor!

Leela, awoke to remembering nothing of what had happened. It seemed that the wall paint sent the person into a trance like state and gave a person short term memory loss. Kala did not get affected the day before as she always suffered from a clogged nose. The chief began to interrogate Thiramani and she was surely hiding something. The perfumed paint was also a way of covering her tracks for the drugs she was cutting in a hidden chamber…Kala pressed on about the death of Blue Boy and Thiramani  suddenly reached into her handbag and pulled out a gun and shot herself before saying anything further.

Hitting a dead end after Thiramani ‘s death, the investigation came to stand still. A few days later, while packing the evidence and documentation to send to the cold case archives, Leela came across a printed copy of an email that she had not seen before. The email was actually a suicide confession from Thiramani .

The email outlined that Lightening is actually her child and she had an extra marital affair with the boys father, Chumpu Champa Singh. To prevent people from talking when she gave birth, Lightening’s father took him to be brought up by his wife, Shambonatha and family. Over the years she saw that Blue Boy was given more attention than Lightening and then arranged for Chumpu Champa Singh and Shambonatha to be killed and made it look like a robbery. She then thought being a close family friend she would get custody of the boys but their granny brought them up and let them run riot with no supervision. She could see that Blue Boy was influencing Lightening negatively and arranged the hit. The CSI team felt really sorry for Thiramani, seeing that she died a very broken woman.