30 Shades of Venugopal Roy Moodley

His name… Venugopal Roy Moodley. His age… 30. His occupation… billionaire playboy. His life… legendary (this bra did it all, one two things my ma would klap me upside the head if I ever tried it). His death… ey! I can’t even say… shy shy came way!

Venugopal lived in Ottawa and whenever anyone searched for him he would always be sitting under the trees. He was famous with all the men in the area as he was the only one that had the first ever edition of Playboy. Everyone knew that Venu was married but no one ever saw his wife. Everyone in the area thought she ran away but then one day in the backyard a neighbour who was cutting mangoes from the tree in Venu’s yard made a startling discovery.

One of the branches was growing a ‘thinger’ (one thumb and one finger).  Green House Boya got so scared, he ran way by his ma and told her about the ‘thinger’. His ma, first got the wrong idea – because, you know ‘thinger’ sounds funny – but when Boya finish explain, she understood perfectly and … tan tan taaaaaa… called CSI Chatsworth Kinky unit.

As the CSI Kinky Unit drove into the yard, a rather confused Venu jumped up from under the tree and ran to get his playboy magazine. Kala, the first to get out the vehicle, is who Venu approached first, showing his prized possession. Kala started blushing non-stop and was even trying to do the poses the girls were doing. It had to take Leela to smack her upside the head and remind her about the task at hand. They moved towards the tree and there from the branch protruded the ‘thinger’.

Chief Norrisamy explained the situation to Venu while Daya Ghoon (forensics expert) climbed the mango tree to get a better look. The protrusion was indeed human and when Daya pulled it off the tree, the tree started to bleed. Below, Venu started to change colour, he was getting shades and shades paler and started singing… ‘The base in the tweeters make the speakers go to war, how the mighty trumpet brings the freaks out to the floor… Tell me, tell me where the freaks at.’ With his arms spread wide he fell to the floor. Out of nowhere, Leela went bezerk. She screamed… ‘Tell me, tell me where the freaks at.’ She lunged at Venu’s unconscious body  and shook him, ‘FINISH THE DAMN SONG, YOU NAANKATAI. FINISH THE SONG!’

Venu regained consciousness and ran straight to Kala. He pleaded with her that he needed help. Meanwhile, as the police cut the tree they found body parts falling from the tree. It seemed clear to the team that Venu had murdered someone, his wife maybe, and needed to be taken into custody. Venu moved at lightening speed and fetched a knife from the house. He came outside and held the knife to Kala’s neck. The CSI unit backed up and allowed Venu to take Kala into the house.They suddenly heard a door bang and they all ran inside. It emerged he had a red room of pain which was filled with masala and chilli powder…Kala could be heard screaming and shouting out random descriptions to the team outside thereby giving them an accurate description of what was inside. Venu seemed besotted with Kala and her screams were getting more heartbreaking by the second.Venu tied Kala up with the reed from the bamboo(Ottawa got span) and he was about to spank her with a bunch full of curry leaves, he said, ‘count with me,’ and you could hear Kala starting to sing, ‘ek, doh, theen, char, paach che saat aat nou dus…’

Leela, filled with concern for her friend starts singing to try and sooth her friend, as the rest of the team try frantically to open the red room door. But the only blerry tune that popped into her head was… ‘The base in the tweeters make the speakers go to war, how the mighty trumpet brings the freaks out to the floor… Tell me, tell me where the freaks at.’ And Kala screams… ‘I found the freaking choothia!’ The team was not having any luck with the door and were at wits end. Then, through the door they heard a ‘crash, boom, bang’ and the key in the door turned. There stood Kala, slightly dishevelled but with a triumphant look in her eyes… ‘There’s your freak Leela.’ With a flick of her hair Kala walked out the house, quietly saying, ‘Aiyo ma I need some air.’ The team was aghast to see Venu’s collection of gourmet masala’s, the shrubs of curry leaf, bay leaf and many other spices, but what shocked them the most was seeing their suspect hogtied to the bedpost with two bunches of dhuniya sticking out his mouth and only god knows what that was sticking out the back of his pants!

The chief arrested Venu and as he was being taken to the car, he looked at Kala and said, ‘you are the love of my life.I want to spank you every day with the curry leaf.’ The chief then shoved Venu into the car and he was taken to the station. In the meantime, as Leela and the rest of the team swept the house, Kala went back into the red room and started spanking herself with the curry leaf, she just couldn’t get over the feeling of being taken advantage off with curry leaves. Leela had to take her outside without the chief suspecting a thing and hosed her down with cold water and tried to get some sense back into her. Leela made her friend dry off in the sun while the rest of the team finished and found 12 more bodies in a secret room! It was clear Venu would use these women, fall in love with them and when he got tired of one he would murder them and then move on. His wife was merely a front for people to think he was a good guy. But all he was, was a hot pot!

Venugopal Roy Moodley, 30 year old billionaire playboy, was found guilty of 13 counts of murder (blerry naankatai was a serial killer). Kala testified against him in court. She watched as the bailiff walked him out of court. As Venu reached the door, he stopped, turned and said one word… Kala. Kala in turn returned one word… Naankatai. And the door closed.

A month later, the news was ablaze with stories of Venu’s death, but no ma, I can’t say how he died… shy shy came way!